Sex and Relationships

Bang - Roosh V.

This is a regrettable book, but not without its insights.

Women in our culture are bombarded with expectations for how they should look and behave. Women who perceive themselves as high-value as measured by society (beauty, wealth, etc) are especially vulnerable to determining their own self-worth from external influences. This presents a point of leverage when dating. If a male successfully signals that they are high-value (regardless of whether or not they actually are) and also denies validation to a high-value woman it is likely society has already primed her to pursue the man to win validation from him.

Models - Mark Manson

Dating is a numbers game. You increase your odds with scale. Rejection is good. It means you have quickly polarized someone that would not be receptive to you and you can move on to someone else. Rejection should not be seen as a rejection of who you are as a person– who could know someone fully in 5 minutes? Instead, view it as a rejection of your approach. Learn from it or simply assume it wasn’t in the cards.

Instead of memorizing lines and projecting a false sense of self that you think will be attractive, invest in yourself and you will grow confidence naturally.

Love Signals -

Men “look good in uniforms” because male reproductive viability is tied to their ability to protect young and protection is closely linked to clan membership. Conversly female interest in clothes and fashion can be seen as a desire to distinguish oneself from the crowd as a unique mate.

Men wear suits to project power. Ties guard the throat and suit jackets eccentuate masculine broad shoulders.

See also: Controversial Amy Cuddy power-posing and Wisecrack video on thought leaders and corporate interests.

Sexual Intelligence -

Sex is a deeply rooted aspect of human behavior that can become tangled up with all sorts of things throughout our development. Instead of repressing harmless sexual fantasies and proclivities we should accept them as largely beyond our control and treat them with maturity.

“Normal” is a bell-curve and we should be careful to not confuse hollywood sexual norms (spontenaety, duration, type, etc) with what is actually within the spectrum of human behavior. This is especially important as we bear children and age when we must continually redefine what sex and intimacy is in the face of our changing bodies.

She Comes First -

I mean, there’s a papaya on the cover. This is a book about cunnilingus. The book generally perpetuates the idea that, sexually speaking, men are push-buttons and women are volume knobs. As couples you need to learn how to work both to make the music happen. Men tend to see sex and intimacy as an act taking less than 15 minutes, but it is also rewarding to see dinner dates, massages, etc all as part of a larger crescendo.

Making Marriage Work -

The success of a marriage within 7 years can be predicted within 98% accuracy in laboratory settings by carefully analyzing facial expressions and tone of voice as couples talk about their relationship.

Every marriage will have rough patches, but how couples continually rebuild and work through disagreements and hurt feelings is a big predictor of whether or not the wheels will eventually fall off.

Five love languages -

Different people prefer to give and receive affection in different ways. Relationships can run into trouble when couples lose sight of the way their partner prefers to receive affection.

Acts of service, gifts, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation.

Sex at Dawn -

Humans used to be nomads and nomads had very different sex lives than those of most present-day humans.

This book presents a straw man argument about “the standard narrative” of male and female sexual behavior and preferences. For example, men cheat with younger women out of a primitive desire for promiscuity with more fertile mates and women cheat out of a primitive desire to have children with stronger, more successful men. The book explains that monogamy is more suited to relationships where property is passed down through offspring, but early humans were originally more promiscuous because it better suited the needs of a nomadic people. It charges that agriculturalism is the root of sexual boredom.

Mating in Captivity - Ester Perel

This is a comprehensive book, but the central premise is an exploration of how to reconcile desire and domesticity in our relationships. We seek the safety and comfort of long-term committment, yet cannot desire what we already have and crave novelty.

The book argues for balance. Instead of fully merging into the same person throughout your relationship, give yourself and your partner some breathing room to be a little mysterious with their own hobbies, friends, or routines. Seek to continually see your old partner with new eyes. You can never truly know your partner, but we all simplify our partners in our mental models and assume they could never surprise us.

The book encourages that all couples openly discuss “the third”, the unseen future temptation. By clearly discussing boundaries (e.g. no friends of the opposite sex, don’t sext with others online, etc) with your partner lines can be drawn for what constitutes a breach of trust. The author maintains that betrayal is what kills relationships, not the act of infidelity itself.